Men Health

4 Keys To Altering Unhealthy Behaviors

how to change behaviors man mind electricity

How To Change Unhealthy Behaviors

Hey and welcome to episode 41 of the Males’s Self-Assist Podcast. I’m your host, Dr. John Moore, and I’m a licensed psychotherapist out of Chicago, Illinois and I concentrate on males’s work and males’s points.

Now as we get into right this moment’s pod, please you should definitely hit that subscribe button so that you by no means miss one other present. Fast disclaimer, this podcast isn’t designed to behave as an alternative to psychological well being counseling and I’m not your private therapist.

Alrighty – let’s bounce proper into our matter. How you can change unhealthy behaviors.

As a place to begin, I’d prefer to ask you a few questions.

  • Do you end up frequently partaking in issues you already know you aren’t good for you?
  • For instance, do you drink to a lot, smoke an excessive amount of or eat an excessive amount of?
  • Have you ever been over-buying issues on-line, though you already know you don’t actually need them – and admittedly can’t afford them?

If any of this sounds acquainted, welcome to the membership! If we’re being actual about it, all of us are imperfect – and that features me. Actually, I’ve accomplished nearly everybody of these issues I simply ticked off with some greater than others.

And I’m saying this as a result of so as so that you can create a shift in one thing, like an unhealthy behavior and even an habit, you’ve received to be trustworthy with your self about what’s occurring. And after I say trustworthy, I’m speaking about doing it in a method that’s devoid of judgement and disgrace.

You could be questioning how can I do that? Properly, grasp tight as a result of I’m going to go over all of this with you in only a few minutes as a part of exploring the 4 keys to altering habits.

However only for proper now, I would like you to think about that one factor – that one habits – you’d like to vary and simply tuck it in your again pocket, as a result of we’ll be coming again to it.

Alrighty?

You understand, I’ve been concerned in subject of counseling and training for practically 20 years and I’ve labored with nearly each kind of individual you may think about – from the college janitor who has discovered himself hooked on ache killers to the company govt hooked on grownup vids.

Some have been so poor they couldn’t afford the $2.00 bus experience to get to my workplace and others so wealthy that they pulled up in a chuffer pushed automotive.

However no matter their background, the frequent bond that united all of those folks – no matter their life station – was a powerful need to create change. And as I discuss this now with you, I’m pondering of a consumer I as soon as labored with named Mike.

Now when Mike got here to see me round 15-years in the past, he was scuffling with a sequence of life issues. He was in his late 30’s, chubby and hooked on booze and adults vids.

With a view to get his sexual wants met – as a result of hey all of us have that a part of us that wants nurturing, he’d spend lots of of {dollars} on the weekend at therapeutic massage parlors – and after I say therapeutic massage, I’m speaking about locations that provide a cheerful endings, should you comply with my drift.

Now I discussed that final half to you not as a result of I imagine joyful endings are a foul factor or that intercourse work is mistaken. Nope. Personally, I feel it’s sort of ridiculous that we criminalize that sort of factor between two consenting adults – and the key phrases being consenting adults.

However I digress – again to Mike. The explanation he got here to see me was as a result of there was part of him who realized that his life was spiraling uncontrolled. He didn’t like the best way he regarded, he hated how he had change into hooked on alcohol, and he wasn’t joyful about his relationship with video or the therapeutic massage parlors.

What’s extra, he was terribly in debt and was on the verge of dropping his job as a fork-lift driver.

As I share a few of that with you, possibly a few of you may relate?

And so, Mike desperately needed to change into a brand new individual. For him, he had gotten so depressed and accustomed to hating on himself that the person might barely take a look at himself within the mirror anymore.

He was depressed, lonely and even feeling a bit suicidal.

I can nonetheless hear him now saying to me: “Dr. John, please assist me cease doing this stuff. I don’t just like the individual I’ve change into.”

And also you see that is what occurs when a person like Mike involves an individual like me. They desperately hope that the counselor can magically “repair” them and make every thing higher.

However the unhappy fact is it doesn’t work that method. I imply hell yeah I want I had a magic wand and will do an abracadabra on somebody in that scenario. That will be wonderful! However the actuality is the method of change begins with every of us – it begins with you.

Right here’s a grimy little secret: Therapists and coaches can assist an individual to facilitate change, however the precise means of transformation begins with the person.

So, what occurs to a man like Mike who had clearly reached a degree of disaster? Can something be accomplished? Properly, I’ll let you know precisely what I informed Mike all these years in the past and its really excellent news.

Are you prepared? Right here it goes:

Disaster is the time limit when change is probably.

Let me say that once more: Disaster is the time limit when change is probably.

And this is sensible, doesn’t it? We by no means actually wish to change a habits if it’s not inflicting us issues, notably if it brings us pleasure, proper?

Like should you simply stepped away from a slot machine after profitable the $10,000 jackpot, you aren’t going to be working round saying, “Oh man, I actually tousled. I simply hate myself for profitable all that money. What the hell is mistaken with me?

Nope – the disaster half occurs whenever you lose the final $20.00 to your identify on a poker sport and notice, “Holly crap, I’m fully broke. I don’t even have the funds for now to purchase myself meals – and the lease is overdue, and my automotive word is late, and oh my God, my telephone is about to get shut off. Why did I blow all my cash on that poker sport?

You see, that’s disaster. That’s when life will get actual. And once more, it’s the time limit when change is probably. Comply with me?

All of this brings us again to our fundamental matter – how can I alter an unhealthy habits? Properly, now can be a great time for me to acquaint you with a method referred to as REST. Let me repeat that, REST and it stands for RELAX, EVALUATE, SET AN INTENTION and ACT.

Now as a matter of full disclosure, I didn’t make REST up. It involves us from the world Dialectical Habits Remedy or DBT -and it was conceptualized by the American psychologist, Dr. Marsha Linehan. If you wish to know extra about DBT, you should definitely try episode 33.

Now as we go over REST, understand that this method can be utilized as a part of a change course of. It isn’t designed to immediately cease an undesirable habits or magically repair it.

As an alternative, REST can be utilized as a part of discovering the motivation to place you on the trail to vary. Does that make sense? I simply wish to be clear about that as a result of anybody who says they will immediately repair any kind of ordinary or addictive downside is yanking your chain.

OK, let’s get to it:

Change Behaviors Mystical Bird Water
Change and private transformation

Step One: Calm down

For this explicit key, I want you to return to that one factor I discussed at the beginning of the podcast you wish to change. It might be your relationship with alcohol, it might be another substance, or it might be a habits.

And what I’d such as you to do is undertaking a thought bubble above your head. Yep, a thought bubble – sort of like what you would possibly see in a comic book e-book. And within that bubble you’re going to position the picture or phrases of that one factor you are attempting to vary.

If it helps, take a deep breath and maintain it for the depend of 4 after which launch.

When you’ve accomplished this, all I would like you to do is observe that bubble. Yup yup, simply observe it. If you’re struggling to give you a picture, it’s OK to tug out a pen and paper and write down the phrase that represents that factor you wish to change. For instance: Alcohol, playing, smoking, video – you get the concept.

The thought right here is to create emotional distance from that one factor you wish to change.

If this feels a bit unusual to do, that’s fantastic – simply go along with it. There could also be a part of you who’s immune to this sort of factor as a result of it feels too woo-woo. No downside, however I’d nonetheless such as you to go along with it and see how issues shake out.

By partaking on this step, you might be using a strong instrument referred to as mindfulness. Consider it as your very personal super-power. Keep in mind, all we’re doing is observing. Comply with me?

If you’re questioning how lengthy you have to be holding this psychological picture, there is no such thing as a proper or mistaken reply. Since our aim is so that you can merely observe – devoid of judgement – the period of time will fluctuate. For some folks, reaching a spot of non-judgmental commentary takes just a few moments. For others, it will probably take a number of minutes – or extra – as a result of the thing itself is emotionally charged.

Your unconscious will let you already know whenever you’ve reached the proper place. If you could pause this a part of the pod and are available again to it – that’s fantastic and dandy.

As soon as you might be prepared, let’s transfer to step two.

Step Two: Consider

Now that you just’re capable of consider this habits you might be holding, it’s time to judge. Discover I mentioned consider and never decide as a result of there’s a giant distinction between the 2.

Once we decide, we make a willpower a few given habits and its virtually at all times damaging. And truthfully, do you really want to put anymore guilt upon your self? After all you don’t as a result of all that does is make you extra prone to have interaction in that undesired habits as a result of it helps you to escape from the guilt.

Once we consider, we merely take a look at one thing objectively to find out its worth. Right here’s an instance. Let’s say in my thought bubble I’ve projected a hamburger with fries as a result of each evening I’ve discovered myself consuming quick meals and it’s change into an unhealthy behavior.

In taking a look at that psychological image, I’m merely going to consider what worth that habits is bringing to my life. Some inquiries to ask as a part of this step embody:

  • Is it serving to me to look bodily match?
  • Does it make me extra engaging?
  • Has it helped me to maneuver nearer to my targets or additional away?

By evaluating a habits as a substitute of judging it, the habits itself has much less energy over us? Does that make sense? Now right here’s the factor with this step. You will need to not over analyze. All you wish to do is assess this factor in your life from the vantage level of 30,000 ft. If you’re utilizing a microscope, throw it out guys as a result of it’ll shoot you down a rabbit gap.

At this level, we aren’t attempting to unravel the issue. All we’re doing is evaluating it’s worth in our life? Does that make sense?

Now grasp with me as a result of in only a few moments, we’re going to go over the opposite two steps.

Stick round.

Go to Higher Assist utilizing this hyperlink for a really particular supply to the listeners of the Podcast.

OK, so that you’ve accomplished the first step and projected that factor you’d like to vary in your thought bubble and also you’ve additionally taken care of step two, which is solely observing it and evaluating it’s presence.

Now we’re going to maneuver to step three, which is:

Step Three: Set an Intention

And with this one, you you’re going to be doing just about what it suggests. I’ve discovered step three works greatest when it’s verbally said after which adopted up by writing it down.

Right here is an instance of setting an intention:

I wish to transfer nearer to stopping my relationship with video.

Discover I didn’t say: I’ll by no means watch video once more. You see, in case your intention is one thing like that, you might be forcing your thoughts into nook. And with dangerous habits and even habit, we don’t wish to try this as a result of there will be part of ourselves who rebels. Name it a youthful model of the self and even what Sigmund Freud described on the ID. And the ID is devoid of time and area. It solely desires what it desires – each time it desires it – and it doesn’t like taking orders.

Actual fast, I keep in mind the primary time I attempted to vary my relationship with cigarettes and in the end finish smoking. The extra I informed myself “I wish to stop” the extra I felt myself wanting one other cigarette. And the rationale for that’s as a result of it seems the phrase “Give up” makes the unconscious thoughts really feel prefer it’s giving one thing up, prefer it’s being punished.

It was solely till I shifted my intention – I shifted my language did I discover lasting change doable. I used to be in a position to do that by creating the next different intention:

I wish to transfer nearer to stopping my relationship with nicotine.

Do you see what I did there? The phrases MOVE CLOSER aren’t as scary. Furthermore, I hacked into my brains Nucleus accumbens, an space of the pre-frontal cortex, referred to as the mind’s pleasure middle. And in my hack, I launched the potential of change with out freaking it out.

Whenever you set your intention – verbally after which in writing – you might be shifting your mindset slowly and regularly. And in my expertise that’s how lasting change occurs, after we make changes incrementally and never immediately.

As a part of this step, I encourage you to spend a while along with your intention. You could wish to mediate on it or it’s possible you’ll wish to write it down on a sticky word and slap it up subsequent to your pc display screen. Consider your intention as planting a seed.

And of this all goes again to that magic wand deal – that abracadabra factor I talked about earlier than. After all, if I’m hooked on alcohol, or nicotine or meals or no matter it could be, I’m going to wish to expertise instant outcomes.

However let me ask you a query: Whenever you’ve gone for fast outcomes up to now, how did that work out? How lengthy did that change final? In all probability not lengthy, proper?

That’s why setting your intention after which spending time with it’s so vital. It crops the seeds of change.

OK, the ultimate key or Step Quantity 4

Step 4: Take Motion

With this one, we’re transferring from a spot of thought to motion. And top-of-the-line methods to do that is to begin off with the query WHAT.

In different phrases, what is one small factor you are able to do to create change with a given habits. Right here’s how Mike used this step. He requested himself:

What’s one small step I can take to vary my relationship with alcohol?

And when he requested himself this query, he realized that a part of the rationale he drank at residence was as a result of he was feeling bored and lonely.

And so, at evening, when he got here residence from work, as a substitute of sitting down on the sofa and having a couple of glasses of scotch, he determined the one small factor he might do was half-hour of cardio at his native fitness center. This allowed him to be round folks, which chased away the loneliness, and permit him to do one thing good for himself.

What he didn’t do was say, “I’m not going to drink anymore.” Nope, really it was simply the alternative. As an alternative, he left open the likelihood that he might nonetheless drink. However right here’s the factor and it sort of pertains to physics.

Motion encourages extra motion – in different phrases movement continues to speed up on itself till one thing stops it.

Utilizing that what query as a part of step 4, taking motion, you would possibly ask your self:

What wouldn’t it be like if I selected to an apple as a substitute of a donut? What wouldn’t it be like if I used my creativeness after I self-pleasure as a substitute of video? What wouldn’t it be like if I spent 5 minutes studying an article about nicotine habit, as a substitute of instinctively lighting up?

You see, it’s the WHAT query that infuses the shift and sparks motion.

So, how did this search for Mike? Properly, merely put, he began to construct momentum and speed up the change course of. He thought to himself, “If I can do cardio at evening and never drink, what else can I do?”

And that’s when the wheels actually began turning for him. He joined a help group for others scuffling with alcohol abuse. He started creating change across the issues that have been robbing him of his shallowness, like how the booze was making him really feel crappy and the way grownup imagery was dishonest him out of significant intimacy.

Now right here’s the deal. A few of these realizations occurred as a part of counseling, the place we used a strength-based strategy to assist him draw upon his personal to empower change. I’ve put a hyperlink to the web site optimistic psychology to assist clarify this extra so you should definitely test it out.

With all of that mentioned, I’m not going to sit down right here and let you know that his transformation was quick or that he Mike didn’t expertise some setbacks. He completely did. However you see, that’s how change works. It’s a sequence of begins and stops, slips, and falls, till in the end, we’re on the trail we wish to be.

Does the REST method work for everybody? After all not. This is only one strategy. Nothing ever will be assured. However I’ll say that after we plant the seeds of change, it has a humorous method of occurring.

So, what’s occurring with Mike right this moment? Simply to be straight up, I’m not 100% certain as a result of the final time I bumped into him was round three years in the past. It was in entrance of Water Tower Place, in a stretch of land referred to as “Chicago’s Magnificent Mile”.

He was ready for a cab and shouted out to me as I walked into the constructing. At first, I didn’t acknowledge him as a result of he regarded so completely different. I imply yeah, he had aged however trustworthy to goodness the man regarded nice. He had misplaced weight and managed to maintain it off.

He regarded properly rested, and I might even see there slightly sparkle in his eyes. Lengthy story quick, we did the howdy factor and shook fingers. However earlier than we might do any actual catching up, his cab had arrived. Seconds later, he was gone.

However you already know what, I didn’t want Mike to inform me how he was doing. It was apparent. I imply, you possibly can simply inform that the present of change had visited him. That’s fairly wonderful, you already know?

Alright, earlier than we shut out this pod, let’s recap the 4 keys to altering unhealthy behaviors:

Step One: Calm down

Step Two: Consider

Step Three: Set an intention

Step 4: Take Motion

If you’re fascinated about a workbook that incorporates a handout on the REST strategy, together with different DBT methods, I’ve put a hyperlink in present notes to the DBT Abilities Workbook on Amazon.

We lined rather a lot in right this moment’s present, don’t you suppose? Not solely did you find out about a method to create change round unhealthy behaviors, however you additionally realized a mind hack.

I’d prefer to take a second to thank the web site FEED SPOT for itemizing this pod among the many high 100 podcasts for males.

And folk, now can be a great to for me to say that should you liked this present or any of my previous podcasts, please take a second proper now to depart a overview on no matter platform it’s possible you’ll be listening. It solely takes a minute – as a result of it’s like this. The extra individuals who go away a overview, the upper this program exhibits up within the listings.

You understand there’s a number of methods to achieve me. You may go to web site, Man Counseling Dot Com – and there, you’ll find plenty of articles I’ve written, together with a kind to fill out to get my e-newsletter.

You can even discover me on social media. I’m on Instagram at Man Counseling – and I’m on Fb and Twitter on the identical deal with.

So, there now we have it, one other present. Make it your aim right this moment to place a smile on another person’s face. I hope you’ve got an incredible day!



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